Jewish Humor

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A Gift for Mama!

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors and prospered.

Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffer."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It  took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I  have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much"

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."

"Menachim, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. Such a delicious chicken."

Four Rabbis

So it seems that these four Rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd Rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the Rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the Rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the Rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The Rabbi is getting ready to ask for a "very big" sign, but just as he says "Oh G-d..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The Rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other Rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!"

Rabbi's Hat

A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He is an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, “May G-d bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.

"So where's the money?" she says.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool. Chateau is a house. Chapeau is a hat."

"It doesn't matter." he said, "The winner was some Japanese horse called Yarmulka."

Mezuahs

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms.

He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished the Jewish man is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten something -- to put mezuzahs on the doors.

He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and shows the decorator where to place them on the right hand side of each door apart from bathrooms and kitchens. He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paintwork or won't put them up correctly.

However, when he comes back a few hours later the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says to the Jewish man: Glad you're happy with the job, sir. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in the little boxes and left them on the table for you.

Cab Driver

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.

"Listen." he says, "When you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?"

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: "Are you crazy?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?"

Bar Mitzvah Gift

There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the Rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack of preparation.

When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.

But then the Rabbi, added a special gift. He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judiasm in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem...and now for my own special gift to you", with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"

Doctors

A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients.  I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.

The voice on the other end of the line said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

She said “Yes, darling!  She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”

He said, “Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.  In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock.”

The woman said, “Thank God!  That's wonderful!  Oh! that's fantastic, darling!...That’s wonderful news!”

The man on the phone said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!”

She said, “I’m Sarah Finkel in 302!  Cohen, my doctor, tells me shit!”

As Time Goes By

You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai.
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by.

With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu
As hours slip by.

Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
All those potatoes mother has to grate.
Honey, tsimus, latkes, chopped liver on our plate
The best that gelt can buy.

Some would send us to perdition,
But we're strengthened by tradition,
That no one can deny.
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by.

Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
Ancient Jewish stories that we all relate.
Blue-and-white giftwrap, everything that's great?
And festive chazerai!

It's still the same old Torah,
It's still the same menorah,
We've latkes still to fry.
It's at yomtov when we feel most blessed,
As time goes by.

The Wagon Train

Back when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train.  Unfortunately, the wagon master had never made the trip west before and before too long, they were lost . . . and going around in circles . . . and backtracking . . . and getting anxious and desperate.

Finally, they came over a hill and saw an old Jewish man sitting under a big tree sipping tea from a glass.  The wagon leader went over to the old man and asked, “We're lost and running out of food.  Can you help us?”  The old man replied, “Mister, all I know is dis . . . if you go up dat hill und down da udder side, I can tell you, de’ll be a big bacon tree.”

“A bacon tree?” the wagon leader exclaimed.

“Yah, ah bacon tree.  Trust me.  For nuttin vud I lie to you.”

So the wagon leader went back and told his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge . . . so they drove the wagons up the hill and down the other side.

Suddenly, a large group o f Indians appeared out of nowhere, attacked and massacred everyone but the wagon leader, who, although seriously wounded, managed to escape and crawl back over the hill to the old Jewish man, who was still sitting under the big tree sipping his tea.

The near-dead wagon leader started shouting at the old man, “You stupid old fool!  You sent us to our deaths!  We followed your directions, but there was no bacon tree . . just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me!”

The old man held up his hand and said “Oy, vait a minute."

He then got out his English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

“Gevalt, uh-oh . . . I made myself such ah big mistake,” he said.  “It vuz not a bacon tree.  “It vus a ham bush!”

The Jewish Dictionary

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Chanukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

HEBORT v. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bat or Bar Mitzvah.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

DISKVELLIFIED v. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid.  In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvelification.

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Last updated 2/18/03